Healthy Grieving

When you have lost someone that you care deeply about, it can be a very trying time in your especially if this is the first holiday without that person and even if it has been several years. There is an empty space both physically (they are not present) and an empty, hollow feeling inside. Your heart aches – you are feeling the pangs of loss, the low energy and the depressed feelings.

The rituals/traditions that you have always shared, are no longer the same. So what can you do now. For one, yo can create a new tradition. It doesn’t mean that you are forgetting about the old tradition or the person that you lost . You will never lose that person. Your memories, experience will always be with you. The person lives within you and will always live there.

I believe that everything that happens, happens for a reason. It may not make any sense to us right now and it may never make any sense to us. But one things that I know from my own experience, is that somehow, something good will be borne of our loss. For example, It could be that we learn that we are stronger and more resilient than we could ever have imagined. It could be that we learn to be compassionate and caring. Or we could help other people going through a similar loss.

One of the things that I believe is important is to celebrate the life of your loved one. Ask yourself these questions:

What is that that I appreciate about that person.
What are the things you loved.
What made the person special/what were their unique qualities?
What are the memories, the joys and even sorrows of your time together?
What made your time together so special?
What are the ways in which you will remember them

My Story:

My daughter Wendy died when she was 16 years ago, She got sick and died the same day. No time to prepare, no time to talk to her about it. And to make it even harder, if that were possible, because she dies of a very; volatile bacterial infection, we were not allowed to have the casket open, therefore, denying us the right to see her and say goodbye. Before she died, I thought if ever I lost a child, I would never be able to recover, in fact, I thought I would be locked up in the back ward of an institution. Parents do not expect to have to buy a child, and neither did I. But, I discovered that didn’t happen. Of course, I didn’t know this at the time of Wendy’s death. It took a long time. It was a process of grieving, through the stages of denial, bargaining, anger, depression and acceptance. And I was angry at God – how could you let this happen? I read every book that I could get my hand on about grieving. I had the help of a support group and journaled every day. I cried, and cried some more, Ii talked her when drove my car, I dreamed about her. I thought about all the memories we had and also about the memories I would never had – watching her grow up, go to college, have a career get married and have children. I missed out and so did she on her future.

I never got over her death. And I have spoke to many others who have lost loved ones and we have similar feelings, that you do not get over it. You learn to live with it.

It has been many years since Wendy’s death and I realized that I can help other people deal with loss and learn to celebrate the life of a loved one. To look at what a privilege and an honor it was to have them in their life and how they can move on

I know that you may be thinking or feeling guilty – I shouldn’t be having fun or going out. That would be dispectful or mean that I have forgotton them. Actually, if doesn’t mean that it all. You need to grieve. After all, you lost someone very special to you. And grieving is a very natural process that you will go through. It will take a great deal of your time and energy. What will help you in that process is to all take care of yourself. By taking care of yourself, you are also honoring them. As I said, the grief process will take a long time and taking care of yourself is so very important. It will give you the energy your need to do the grieving, balancing grieving and taking care of yourself are both important.

Friends and family will want to give you advice; what they think is best for you. They mean well, they love you and do not want to see you unhappy or sad, but they have not walked in your shoes. They may want to push you to do something that you may not be ready to do. Trust your feelings.

Also, sometimes just hearing someone tell you whatever you are feeling and experiencing is normal, can be extremely reassuring.

I have list some of the ways that can help you get through the holidays. Some may resonate with you and others will not. It does not matter which you decide to so. The important things is to pick one or several that you want. Your job is to take care of yourself. Whatever feels right, is perfect.

Tips to help get through the holidays:

Create a new ritual/tradition
Volunteer to serve food to the homeless/visit a children's hospital/ bring presents or a meal to family/visit a nursing home
Adopt a family for the holidays
Take care of yourself - get a massage/facial
Go for a walk
Buy yourself a gift
Call a friend and go out to dinner/to an art gallery
Write a tribute to the person celebrating their life/include memories
Write a letter of your feelings
Journal
Make a list of what you are grateful for
Exercise
Go to a movie
Take a bath/sit in a hot tub
Adopt a puppy

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